Does it matter what fuels the Sun if the warmth brings joy?

There's something character-defining when one:

a) Creates a blog to yap

b) Thinks that people may be interested in reading it

c) pays $80 for a domain that only you will find clever

What does that say? Is it an accusation of entitlement? Are you a villain for practicing any action deemed self-serving? If it truly harms no one- if the only true consequence is the sound of your own voice filling dead air, then why is it so unbelievably guilt-inducing to hold space or be heard in any setting?

This line of thinking doesn't seem to make sense to those I know who are effortlessly self-assured. To them, this illogical thought pattern is a revered conspiracy theory, and I am personally the one-man effort behind it. It's probably because I was such an unbelievably reckless teen, I find myself rebuking a decade later to satisfy no God or Judge, but the internal morality policing you feel the need to do because Shark has convinced you that you are evil. Now is it because it's Shark, or is it cultural upbringing? It's important not to forget that there is this misogynistic tick that is latched onto every dynamic within this community because women aren't people.

"Why would you continue to participate in a community that's inherently against you?"

For starters, I find it easier to make changes at establishments where you're already known. Would I be as brazen and stupid as to say that I think that I can make generational change within our community? Fuck no! But it's really fun to try.

There's also the parallel gain: the cultural community is a far too great resource and network; not to utilize it would be stupid, marinating in hubris.

There are many things I do that others may claim are character-betraying. For why does an Agnostic, who has a disdain for the history, translations, and contents of the Bible, regularly attend and participate in church? Why does she sing alongside her fellow early morning Sunday risers and scribbles sermon notes in a study Bible, volunteering and spearheading community building within the church? Is this a character for show, a personality invented to appease 300 people for the network aspects and nostalgic sense of home? Is there even a net gain to come of this that would break even the amount of time and labour invested? Why do this at all??

Well, for one, I get to see Kat typically, so that's really nice.

Second, am I betraying my character, or are you assuming my motivations and intentions?

Which introduces our recurring segment called:

Overanalyzing intentions because god forbid being kind makes you feel good inside.

There's this quicksand of a thought process that is analyzing one's intentions behind a seemingly kind or good action. The idea that any self-gain from an action perceived as "Good" or kind instantly spoils the act as a whole, invalidating it.

Instead, I'm trying to grasp the grey thinking: becoming more aware of the parallel benefits and losses inherent in the act itself.

Which is hard,

Sol Invictus – No officer, it's hi, how are you?